An Anniversary: is a partnership automatically 'better' than being single?

Today, an ex-student of mine was featured in Straits Times


Today, a student from a single-parent family was featured in ST. His mom raised him singlehandedly, and she raised a son anyone can be proud of.

Why do I mention him here?


Anniversaries were kept private

Yesterday, my partner Han and I celebrated our 13th anniversary together.

In the past, we kept our birthdays and anniversaries to ourselves. We usually buy a cake and flowers for each other. Barring a few very close friends, we would spend those evenings quietly at home.

One of the reasons why we chose to celebrate quietly is this: as the years go by, it felt like gloating. I didn't know why, but somehow celebrating with others did not feel right.

Flawed views on partnerships

Recently, I saw what stopped us from sharing: I know how being single felt like. Now that we're together, I don't see how we can enjoy the moment when some of our great friends are single. To every single person, declaring our anniversary might come across as a declaration that we'd "succeeded". In order to be successful, in my old view, someone else must fail.

Also, there are many gay and lesbian couples who had stayed together longer than we. AND, there are instances where such long term relationships come to an end. So, celebrating an anniversary is in no way a declaration that a couple has "made it".

Thankfully, age has finally given me some new insights. The main flaw lies in seeing a long-term relationship as 'superior' to that of singlehood or short-termed ones. I'd committed the same folly as the religious fundamentalists who objected to gay marriage, single-parents and divorced parenting: they assume that a man-woman marriage is superior to that of other forms of arrangements. All other arrangements are frowned upon, or worse, discriminated against.

Yet, anyone who knows my ex-student will attest that he is raised as well as - if not better than - many two parents could.

Is there only one right path?

Many people have done quite well as singles. Whether it's singlehood by choice or circumstance, many people has created extraordinary lives despite the lack of a partner. Divorced parents can bring up wonderful children, and children under traditional man-woman households are also likely to face a variety of challenges. In other words, we cannot assume that only one way works for everyone. Given that each individual grows up with distinct abilities, genes and circumstances, it is erroneous to believe that what works for us will work for every individual.

That is what religious fundamentalist believe: there is only one way. All other ways are morally objectionable.

Similarly, if I'd assume that my 13 years together with Han is somehow 'better' than every other arrangements by my fellow lgbt friends, I am, for lack of a better phrase, full of shit. Many of my single friends are doing very well on their own, and what right do I have to judge them according to my personal ideals?

A celebration need not be a comparison

With that realisation, I now share with you that Han and I have been together for 13 years. I am able to celebrate our anniversary fully. Celebrating my happiness does not diminish the varied life experiences of my fellow men and women, because I can see that one celebration is simply an affirmation that I am happy with the choice I make in life - which is to spend it with Han. I am at the same time in awe of all the single men and women who made it work and made it work well. What I cannot imagine doing myself, my single friends made a reality.

Why should a single person not see his/her life as an inspiration or a reason for celebration? Why should single parents be looked down upon or discriminated against in anyway?

Cashing In on Lady Gaga

Lady Gaga released "Born This Way" this week. It is her love song to the gay community.

This is the first time a major artist at the top of her game put out a song about gays, lesbians, bis and transgender lives. Before her, there were courageous indies groups or singers, but none of the major pop stars would give us a song. So we adopted "I Will Survive" by Gloria Gaynor, we flooded the dance floor when "YMCA" started blasting and our transgender sisters lip-synched to a dozen torch songs written for suffering women.



So I was surprised at the reception of "Born This Way" by some of our own. "If this song is a hit," declares someone, "I will turn straight!" The common observation is that the song sounds like Madonna's "Express Yourself" - which is, to my opinion, quite accurate. But remember that (for those of us old enough) when Madonna was young, she was also relentlessly compared to the previous gay icon Barbra Streisand.

Soon, it's hip to say that Lady Gaga was cashing in on the Pink Dollar. Now THAT I take issue with!


A few days later, covers of "Born This Way" pops up in the internet. Some really excellent covers. What is striking then, is the fact that many of them took out the line "gay str9 or bi, lesbian transgender lives".

This one wants you to buy her tune on iTune:


This one does an excellent cover:

And this one's great too:


They all took out that line. So, either these artists are uncomfortable with the gay community, or they're afraid of losing a portion of their listeners who might be homophobic. Yet, at least one of them asks that you buy her neutered version of the song on iTunes!

So it seems not many people are eager to cash in on the Pink Dollar! Sometimes, we're so hip and clever that we don't know our asses from our heads. Turns out Elton John and Dan Savage are right again - Lady Gaga has more balls than many. If you ask me, some of our own reaction clearly shows that we're dealing with internalised homophobia. Like dogs that were used to abuse, some of us instinctively bit back when Gaga offered us a real present.

"Learning to love yourself " sounds an easy task, but like everything that sounds simple, there is a lot of hard work. The good news is that finally, we have a really cool anthem of our very own by a really cool, ballsy artist. The other good news is that here is another opportunity to learn what is homophobia. 

Those young artists are talented. I hope though that this event gives them the same opportunity to see what is courage and how they can get some courage of their own.

Arguments against Gay people over the years

It has been 41 years since the Stonewall Riots. In 1969, gay Americans finally took to the streets to protest against the constant harassment of police in gay pubs.

Over the years, homophobes have used various arguments to justify the oppression of gay people. The common ones were "Same-sex attraction is unnatural". Various observations by wild-life observers and scientists debunked that argument. Penguins, dolphins, seagulls and many other animals exhibit same-sex behavior in nature.

You'll have to click on the image to see a larger version of it clearly.

The argument then went to "Incest, murder and cannibalism are observed in nature too, should we follow that?" Which is quite silly because homophobes came up with the "unnatural" argument in the first place.

Interestingly, another argument is that homosexuality is an import of Western decadence. Surely our own fine culture and traditions do not have such evils! Yet, in olden Japan and China, homosexual behavior were documented in literature and drawings. Such fine traditional societies on the whole do not frown upon homosexual behaviors. The homophobia started when Western priests came to Eastern shores!

In recent years, religion is a popular refuge for homophobes: "my religion is against homosexual behavior. My God is against gays. Not me!" Homophobes thought that they'd finally found the Last Stand where no scientific evidence nor reason can refute Belief.

Unfortunately, there are many behavior that religion classified as sins. Why then is a few verses and a small group of people singled out for discrimination? 

I'd created a pictorial of the more popular arguments against homosexuality. Hopefully, this will help my gay and straight friends see things from a different perspective.

A university student's project (in Mandarin only)

A university student Kiahui interviewed a few local gay men (myself included) as a school project. It was very well-written, and even though she is straight, she opened her mind to really hear what we have to say.

Click on link:

http://646360488103406573.weebly.com/261592151624615246516529219981261593846323448652882084065289.html

It Gets Better in Singapore

This is a gift from some of us in the LGBT community to our youths. You are not alone. There is nothing wrong with you, and there are listening ears and safe spaces for you. Stay strong, hang in there, call someone. It gets better!

www.pelangipridecentre.org

Families and Enemies of Gay People (Last part of Pelangi Pride Talk)

Finally! This is the last segment of my talk.

I started this series of Youtube video by posing the question: "who is standing between me and my big gay heaven?"

The whole purpose of the talk is to share how I found a powerful, useful perspective on how to be gay and fulfill my dreams at the same time. Being dishonest about myself, keeping my secrets from family and friends - these acts contradict my intention of creating works of mass appeal.

In this segment, I hope you can see that blaming anti-gay people for the community's predicament can only go so far, but taking responsibility for our own lives is also a crucial element in moving the conversation forward.

The majority is sitting on the fence and watching. Live your lives as openly as you can, and show them what you can do. The gay community is my community. It has given me love, joy, tears, hope, despair and heartbreaks. Being a part of it has made me a better man, and I only hope that through my actions, I'd contributed to this wonderful community in my own small ways.

My humblest thanks to all of you who visited and gave your time to view the videos. - Otto

Religion vs Family?

he last segment of my talk at Pelangi Pride is the most important. It holds the Holy Grail to the step forward for the Singaporean LGBT community. It is also the hardest part for many. Harvey Milk spoke of it in America in the 70s, and in the last few decades, gay Americans saw the wisdom of his words: COME OUT OF THE CLOSET - at least to your own family.


Coming out is never easy. It is also tougher for the parents than the gay children. We must remember: our parents went through very turbulent times in their youths. Thanks to decades of reinforced stereotyping, having a gay son or daughter is seen as a big setback. Sometimes, after surviving years of political and social changes, to be confronted by a gay child may seem like one more cruel joke Life plays.

Yet, I firmly believe that if a son or daughter is gay, then his/her parents are meant to deal with the issue. It's not different from, say, when a parent must learn to love an autistic child. Every child is perfect the way he or she was born.

Certain segments of the religious population may make things difficult for gays and lesbians in the public sphere, so I can understand why many people choose not to come out publicly. However, coming out to your own family is absolutely essential if there is ever a hope for local LGBTs. 

At the end of the day, if a religious leader turns family members against each other by his teachings - even if the family member is gay or of other faiths or non-faiths - then he is not a religious leader I respect.